All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I fill condoms, not promises.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
