It's Friday. Sex?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
