Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
