I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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