Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
