All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I wish there were birth control emojis
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
