totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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