JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
