Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
