maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
