well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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