I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
