Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
