i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
