so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
