just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
