Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
