he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Houston, we have a squirter
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
