sarcasm needs its own font
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
