there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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