Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
