Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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