I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
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