I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
