I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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