I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
