I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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