He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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