Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
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