i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
