Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
