i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
