You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
