I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
