I am puke
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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