I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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