honey bunches of taint.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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