I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
