Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
