his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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