When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
