they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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