you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
