We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
