I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
