You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
