I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
