I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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