i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
