But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
