During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
it hurts more in the daytime
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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