Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
