you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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